Ramblings of an insecure mind

I don't know if I'll ever get better, honestly.

My new medication is helping a bit, but I can't seem to find the right combo that helps/doesn't make me gain weight/have bad side effects. Some drugs make me angry, some make me fall asleep while driving, while others make me triply. 

I want things to get better, I really do. I don't want to be depressed for the rest of my life, I don't want to sit here, wondering when it's all going to end. I want to experience life, happiness, joy. I want to see the world and all its wonder, not four walls and a cat.

I've been reading up on Toastmasters, and wanting to go so I can improve myself, I'm just scared. I'm scared of new people, scared of new places, scared of public speaking. I know some people who go, and they say it has really helped them, so here goes nothing.

I try to hide when I'm depressed, mask it with a quick smile and a joke. Very few people know when I'm down, and for those people that do, I'm sorry. I know it's a lot to deal with, the constant negativity, the complaints, the moodiness and rambling. I appreciate your friendship, and your words of comfort. I wish there was some way I could repay you. 

Unless you'd let me bake you a lot of cookies? I love baking cookies. And eating them. 

But seriously, thank you. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't have friends like you, friends who listened, friends who cared. Please know that I'm here for you, just as you are here for me. I might not show it, but I am. Come hell or high water, I will do whatever I can for you.

{Recipe} Cake Batter Pudding Cookie Bars

I will admit, I am a cookie addict. Chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, cookie cakes, you name it, I'll probably eat it. So when I found this recipe for a cake batter pudding cookie bar (say that five times fast!), I couldn't wait to try it.

Ingredients

• 1 cup butter, softened
• 3/4 cup brown sugar
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 (3.4 oz) box INSTANT vanilla pudding mix, dry
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1 teaspoon almond extract
• 2 eggs
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 3/4 cup yellow cake mix
• 2 cups bread flour
• 1 cup white chocolate chips
• 1/3 cup sprinkles

Directions

1. Combine baking soda, yellow cake mix and bread flour into a bowl and set aside.
2. Cream butter, I find it best to use a stand mixer, as the dough is reaalllly thick. Cream sugars into butter.
3. Add dry pudding mix and mix until well incorporated. Add vanilla, almond extract and eggs to the mixture and beat well.
4. Add flour/cake mix mixture and mix well. Add white chocolate chips and sprinkles and mix until evenly distributed.
5. Press dough evenly onto the bottom of a greased 9x13 inch baking pan. Note: dough will rise up, so use a deep-dished pan. 
6. Add more sprinkles, if desired. 
7. Bake at 350ºF for about 20 minutes or until top is golden brown.

Original recipe was found at Chef in Training. 

I recently made the cookie bars for a work potluck, and I got rave reviews, despite the odd flavor. What odd flavor?, you ask. Banana cream. 

Yes. Banana cream.

I grabbed the wrong pudding mix at Kroger. But in my defense, both boxes look the same! 

So children, always remember to read box labels before dumping them into your dough.